Love and Loss: Resources for Grieving Pet Owners
By By Siri Espy
Animal Friends
working dog, chewing, shelters, WQED pets, agility training, anxiety, kittens, vaccines, pet health, grooming, aggression, walking, bunnies, multiple pets, rabbits, chihuahua, cats, education, scratching, massage, habitat, behavior, training, litter, fitness, neuter, feral, safety, digging, pit bulls, foster care, stray, adoption, abuse, grief, pet therapy, spay/neuter, fear, noises, play therapy, diet, dogs, pet-friendly housing, calming influence, mature pets, playing, pet loss, poop, rabies, claws, zoo, puppies, Pets provide us with incredible companionship and affection, but they leave us far too soon. Anytime we love, we open up our hearts and make ourselves vulnerable to the pain of loss. Sadly, experiencing and coping with the death of a beloved pet is a part of life that is inevitable but always difficult.
A pet has a unique way of entering our hearts, and those who have not experienced it are not likely to understand. People who are puzzled, telling you “It’s just an animal” just don’t get it. They’ve missed out on the love and rewards you’ve been fortunate to enjoy. Seek out others whose perspective is like your own.
The grief that comes from losing a pet is as real, and can be as powerful, as the loss of any family member. When you find yourself in mourning over a pet, allow yourself time to grieve, and realize that tears and sadness are normal.
At certain times of the day, these feelings are likely to be more intense, such as entering an empty house or missing treat time or a bedtime cuddle. The death of a pet may also evoke many feelings, some unexpected. For some of us, any loss recalls memories of other losses in our lives, which magnifies our emotions.
Dealing with a beloved sick or injured pet often forces us to make painful decisions, and the accompanying guilt can be overwhelming. Should I have done more? Was euthanasia the best option for my suffering pet? Could I have recognized the signs and symptoms of illness earlier? Give yourself the credit you deserve for doing the best you could with difficult options.
Your pet, like other family members, was unique, and can never be replaced. The experiences you shared at that time in your life were special, and efforts to find another pet exactly like the one lost are certain to disappoint. When you’re ready to consider another pet, remind yourself that your new friend will also have special, endearing characteristics that can be overlooked if you insist on making comparisons.
The time following the pet’s loss can be difficult for others in your household as well. Children may be confused or fearful, and need the opportunity to share feelings and learn about finality of death. Other animals in the household may also grieve, missing the companionship of an ever-present pal. Giving them a little extra attention will help soothe their experience of loss, and the affection they return will benefit you, as well.
Don’t deny yourself the experience of loving an animal again. When experiencing grief, it’s easy to say, “never again,” but the healing power of time can again open your heart to the joy and companionship of a pet. Many visitors to Animal Friends share with us their stories of loss as they begin the process of searching for a new best friend, even shedding a few tears in the process.
Often, the best way to acknowledge and give thanks for the life of a pet is to offer a second chance to another. As you get acquainted and gain one another’s trust, you’ll discover proof that life indeed goes on, and that it’s possible to love again.
Animal Friends offers several important resources for grieving pet owners. To learn more, visit www.ThinkingOutsideTheCage.org.
· The Pet Loss Support Group meets the fourth Wednesday of each month from 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm, and provides a forum to talk with others who share your feelings. Please call 412.847.7031 in advance so we know how many visitors to expect.
· Candlelight Remembrance Services are held monthly. They are spiritual in nature but non-denominational, and allow us to celebrate the lives of pets loved and lost. Call 412.847.7031 for dates, and to let us know to expect you.
· Tribute gifts to Animal Friends in memory of a pet can help another animal in need; donors receive a special keepsake card in return. Tribute gifts can be made by calling 412.847.7051 or logging on to www.ThinkingOutsideTheCage.org.
Experts offer 10 coping tips to help you and your children recover from the death of a beloved pet:
• Give yourself permission to grieve. Denying these natural emotions can elevate stress and physical fatigue.
• Seek out friends and family members who share your compassion for animals. Focus more on their good intentions and not necessarily their words. Animal Friends is a great resource in this way.
• Dismiss and ignore comments from those who may trivialize your loss. They may never have had a pet or recognized the closeness of your friendship with your pet.
• Recognize that your departed pet is one-of-a-kind who can never be replaced. When you are ready to adopt a new pet, embrace that new pet for her uniqueness and avoid comparing her to your previous pet.
• Treat yourself well. Eat healthy meals and get ample sleep. This is often ignored.
• Fight through sad or blue moods by exercising. Physical activity raises endorphins and other feel-good hormones in your body. Take longer walks or bike rides, for example, in scenic areas.
• Avoid declarations such as, “I will never get another cat.” These statements hinder your healing process.
• Ritualize your pet’s death through a ceremony or memorial service. The greatest way to honor the memory of a pet is to learn how to become a better person for having them in your life. Please see Ann Cadman our Remembrance Services.
• Spend time recalling happy, silly, fond memories you shared with your pet.
• Consider writing a letter or poem to and from your departed pet. Getting words down on paper can sometimes help the grieving process.
Based on the work by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., a Swiss psychiatrist in the late 1960s, most pet owners and their family members go through this five-step grieving process:
* Denial/shock
* Anger
* Bargaining
* Depression
* Acceptance
Honor Pet with a Ceremony
“There are no traditional ceremonies or social rituals for honoring a funny cat, a sweet bird, or a loyal dog,” she adds. “But a pet’s presence punctuates daily life. After the loss, the household is stunned by absence. Morning treats and night time rituals of cuddling on the couch with a purring cat are gone. The routine is shattered; the home feels empty.”
Alice Moon-Fanelli, PhD, a certified applied animal behaviorist who counsels pet owners at the Animal Behavior Clinic at Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University, says despite the loss they will face, people of all ages who share their lives with pets are fortunate.
“I feel sorry for people who have never had that kind of bond with an animal,” says Dr. Moon-Fanelli. “Each companion animal brings a special connection. They are part of your life in different experiences and different ages. They simply cannot be replaced. You will never go through the same experiences with the same pet at that same age again.”
Many consider grieving inappropriate for someone who has lost "just a pet."
Nothing could be further from the truth. People love their pets and consider them members of their family. Caregivers celebrate their pets' birthdays, confide in their animals, and carry pictures of them in their wallets. So when your beloved pet dies, it's not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your sorrow. Animals provide companionship, acceptance, emotional support, and unconditional love during the time they share with you. If you understand and accept this bond between humans and animals, you've already taken the first step toward coping with pet loss: knowing that it is okay to grieve when your pet dies.
Understanding how you grieve and finding ways to cope with your loss can bring you closer to the day when memories bring smiles instead of tears.
What Is the Grief Process?
The grief process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years for another. The process typically begins with denial, which offers protection until individuals can realize their loss. Some caregivers may try bargaining with a higher power, themselves, or even their pet to restore life. Some feel anger, which may be directed at anyone involved with the pet, including family, friends, and veterinarians. Caregivers may also feel guilt about what they did or did not do, and may feel that it is inappropriate to be so upset. After these feelings subside, caregivers may experience true sadness or grief. They may become withdrawn or depressed. Acceptance occurs when they accept the reality of their loss and remember their animal companion with decreasing sadness. Remember, not everyone follows these classic stages of grief—some may skip or repeat a stage, or experience the stages in a different order.
How Can I Cope with My Grief?
While grief is a personal experience, you need not face loss alone. Many forms of support are available, including pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, local or online Internet bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine articles. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope:
· Acknowledge your grief and give yourself permission to express it.
· Don't hesitate to reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear.
· Write about your feelings, either in a journal or a poem.
· Call your local humane society to see whether it offers a pet loss support group or can refer you to one. You may also want to ask your veterinarian or local animal shelter about available pet loss hotlines.
· Explore the Internet for pet loss support groups and coping information.
· Prepare a memorial for your pet.
What Can I Do for My Child?
The loss of a pet may be a child's first experience with death. The child may blame himself, his parents, or the veterinarian for not saving the pet. And he may feel guilty, depressed, and frightened that others he loves may be taken from him. Trying to protect your child by saying the pet ran away could cause your child to expect the pet's return and feel betrayed after discovering the truth. Expressing your own grief may reassure your child that sadness is okay and help him work through his feelings.
Is the Process More Difficult if I'm a Senior?
Coping with the loss of a pet can be particularly hard for seniors. Those who live alone may feel a loss of purpose and an immense emptiness. The pet's death may also trigger painful memories of other losses and remind caregivers of their own mortality. What's more, the decision to get another pet is complicated by the possibility that the pet may outlive the caregiver, and hinges on the person's physical and financial ability to care for a new pet.
For all these reasons, it's critical that senior pet owners take immediate steps to cope with their loss and regain a sense of purpose. If you are a senior, try interacting with friends and family, calling a pet loss support hotline, even volunteering at a local humane society. If you know seniors in this situation, direct them to this web page and guide them through the difficult grieving process.
Will My Other Pets Grieve?
Surviving pets may whimper, refuse to eat or drink, and suffer lethargy, especially if they had a close bond with the deceased pet. Even if they were not the best of friends, the changing circumstances and your emotional state may distress them. Give surviving pets lots of TLC ("tender loving care") and try to maintain a normal routine. It's good for them and for you.
Should I Get Another Pet?
Rushing into this decision isn't fair to you or your new pet. Each animal has his own unique personality and a new animal cannot replace the one you lost. You'll know when the time is right to adopt a new pet after giving yourself time to grieve, carefully considering the responsibilities of pet ownership, and paying close attention to your feelings. When you are ready, remember that your local animal shelter is a great place to find your next special friend.
Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion, or family member knows the intense pain that accompanies the loss of that friend. Following are some tips on coping with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a pet.
1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural. Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy, or overly sentimental to grieve!
During the years you spent with your pet (even if they were few), it became a significant and constant part of your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship, of unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don't be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.
People who don't understand the pet/owner bond may not understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how you feel. Don't let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and may be extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.
2. What Can I Expect to Feel?
Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions:
- Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet's death-the "if only I had been more careful" syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness that claimed your pet's life, and only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief.
- Denial makes it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone. It's hard to imagine that your pet won't greet you when you come home, or that it doesn't need its evening meal. Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of being "disloyal" to the old.
- Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed" to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief.
- Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but can leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.
3. What can I do about my feelings?
The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings. Don't deny your pain, or your feelings of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them.
You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify them.
Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Express it. Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most. Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand what your pet's loss actually means to you.
Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a photo collage; and talking to others about your loss.
4. Who can I talk to?
If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand what you're going through. Don't hide your feelings in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your feelings with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to about how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.
If you don't have family or friends who understand, or if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check with your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.
5. When is the right time to euthanize a pet?
Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet's physical condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality of your pet's daily life. If a pet has a good appetite, responds to attention, seeks its owner's company, and participates in play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time. However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that aren't helping greatly, unresponsive to affection, unaware of its surroundings, and uninterested in life, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion's suffering.
Evaluate your pet's health honestly and unselfishly with your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet's suffering in order to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act of love that you can make for your pet.
6. Should I stay during euthanasia?
Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort themselves by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic, and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though natural-are likely to upset your pet.
Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the owner to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are also willing to euthanize a pet at home. Others have come to an owner's car to administer the injection. Again, consider what will be least traumatic for you and your pet, and discuss your desires and concerns with your veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to accommodate your wishes, request a referral.
7. What do I do next?
When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains. Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. Some shelters also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for disposal.
If you prefer a more formal option, several are available. Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property for it. It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However, city regulations usually prohibit pet burials, and this is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently.
To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs vary depending on the services you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have. Cremation is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your pet's remains in a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city), scatter them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety are available).
Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory for options available in your area. Consider your living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision. It's also wise to make such plans in advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.
8. What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much information your children can handle about death and the loss of their pet. Don't underestimate them, however. You may find that, by being honest with them about your pet's loss, you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions they have about death.
Honesty is important. If you say the pet was "put to sleep," make sure your children understand the difference between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet "went away," or your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. That also makes it harder for a child to accept a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that it is happy and free of pain.
Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve. Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be strong" or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don't try to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well. Discuss the issue with the entire family, and give everyone a chance to work through their grief at their own pace.
9. Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.
You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period. Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving pets may not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow in time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing for your own grief.
10. Should I get a new pet right away?
Generally, the answer is no. One needs time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent a new pet for trying to "take the place" of the old-for what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular may feel that loving a new pet is "disloyal" to the previous pet.
When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a "lookalike" pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don't expect your new pet to be "just like" the one you lost, but allow it to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old. Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to the old one: It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion also caused a few problems when it was young!
A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and build a new relationship-rather than looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an animal with whom you can build another long, loving relationship-because this is what having a pet is all about!
